In my previous blogs I mentioned my husband a fair bit. While I’m still legally married, we are no longer together. He doesn’t reside in the house with me and our children anymore, and his stuff is in the process of being removed, because things like this take time and I’m not a bitch.
I have a boyfriend. This, obviously, upsets my ex husband. (While we aren’t divorced yet, it’s easier to call him that than some of the other names I could use.)
I have written blogs about the subject of the Errant Parent (EP) and you can find them on this site.
I wondered while I was writing them, what the EP would have to do to warrant a remaining parent (RP) doing any of these things. I find myself in the shoes of the RP’s.
I’m not going to stop my ex from seeing our children, but, when there’s a lack of communication on his behalf, what do I do? It’s easier for me to just not bother and wait for him to wake the fuck up. But, then my children suffer because they aren’t seeing their Dad. It’s hurting me because he’s not showing the care he should be towards his own children. It’s hurting the children because they want to see their daddy and all I can do is text him until he replies. (No, phoning him is not an option.) It’s horrid to see their faces crying at me, because they’re asking for daddy, and all I’m getting is ignorance from him. I just don’t understand why he could be so cruel to them, just to upset me?
I don’t hate my ex husband. He was, and still is, capable of being a decent man. I don’t like him very much right now simply because of what he is doing to me and our children with his actions, or lack there of.
I know that things that happened in the past are done. There’s no going back to rectify anything. So it’s pointless going over the same ground. Where do you draw the line, when you are dealing with a person who consistently brings it up for no reason, and says nasty things and makes unnecessary comments when you are just trying to have a conversation, every time you see him to drop the children off?
Should I be worried that he’s slagging me off to our children, or questioning them about what’s going on in the home now he’s gone? That’s not the right thing to do, and can damage the children mentally. Plus, what happens in this house has nothing to do with him anymore, and it’s only upsetting the kids.
Is this what the RP has to deal with regularly? I guess I could have it way worse, and that some of you probably have some horror stories, but I wouldn’t wish any of this on anyone.
My boyfriend is willing to take the kids to meet their dad if for some reason I can’t. He’s been there to listen to me when I’m angry, he’s there to hold me while I cry, and he’s understanding in that dealing with my ex makes me anxious and stressed. It’s all because of what I have to deal with, via social media, phone or every time I see him. I’m doing this for my children, but how much more should I take from him?
I have at no point accused my ex husband of anything he hasn’t done. I haven’t spread gossip or lies about him and I have never told a professional person, or my friends, that he’s doing things that are A, none of my business and B, not backed up by facts & proof.
He did walk out on us with no word on where he was going or what he was doing. He did ignore me for 3 days straight. He did tell his friends that he told me he was going to ”visit mates and play board games.” which he never said to me. He also did a few nasty things, that are backed up by other people who witnessed it.
Yet there’s people who are still believing that I’m lying about it all, and I’m trying to screw him over. I’ve been doing what I can to emphasise the fact that I’m not the type of woman who does those things, I have evidence that I’m telling the truth, but yet people are still believing what my ex says, without bothering to talk to me.
There’s two sides to every story, and before you make your own mind up you should really have both sides of it.
It really does piss me off when people assume that what they hear must be true. If they’re basing what they know on what they hear from others, who aren’t involved, or weren’t there, how are you supposed to put the truth across?
If you think you know something about someone, but you have absolutely no proof, how about you just mind your own business?
I know that he is telling people things about me that aren’t true, because it’s coming back to me in various different ways. He’s been saying things to certain professionals, prompting them to ask pointed questions about things that they would otherwise have no knowledge of. A lot of what I hear about me is untrue, misleading, or half true. It’s ridiculous that a grown man thinks it’s perfectly acceptable to say what he wants to who he likes, with no regards to what he’s doing to me, or our children. They get upset if they’re seeing me upset, and I’m upset because of what their daddy is doing. He may want to hurt me because I ended the relationship, but to hurt our children with his nasty, petty behaviour is completely out of order.
I had a bandage on my arm from a small surgery. My ex assumed that it was a new tattoo, and said so to his friend. He knows full well that tattoos don’t get bandaged, they get a layer of cling film and tape. He’s so angry at that point, for whatever reason, that he’s not seeing sense and this is where he starts to tell people things that aren’t even remotely true. The thing is, his friend has tattoos, so why didn’t he say anything at the time?
Is this a normal thing to deal with? I’ve never been here before and don’t really know what to do about it. I just hope that some time soon people start to realise that I’m not the bad person here.
I’d texted him a few times one day, to see if he wanted to see his kids. I got ignored all day, until around 6pm, when a friend of his messaged me to say my ex’s phone network was down, and that’s why he wasn’t replying. Why he didn’t think to let me know via his friend sooner I don’t know. But at 11.30 pm that night he showed up with no prior warning, and demanded his stuff, some of which is in the loft! No thoughts about his kids, potentially waking them up, upsetting them because it’s late, his stuff is leaving, he’s angry etc. Nothing except wanting to piss me off. Is this what other RP’s have to deal with? or do I have it easy?
He’s now started telling me that he won’t have our children for a weekend visit in his new place, if I’m going away for that weekend. Stating that various professionals have also agreed with him. I believe that maybe he said he was certain that I’d drop the kids on him randomly all the of time to run off everywhere, shagging everyone. (That’s what he’s assuming I’ve been doing since we split up.) I believe that those professionals have said to him that I’m not to do that, (which I wouldn’t do anyway,) but somewhere in his head he believes that they’re on his side to dictate my life while I’m child-free.
How am I supposed to deal with that? What gives him the right to do that to me and our children?
I now understand why some women stop the access to their children. It’s simply too much stress for everyone to deal with.
I understand that the EP is upset, rightly so too. You have all the rights in the world to be angry at someone for hurting you. You do not have the rights to hurt your children, by hurting the RP. You certainly do not have the rights to start demanding and dictating the lives of people who are no longer your concern. What you are doing is making it easier for the RP to not bother messaging you, the pictures/videos you get sent of your children will stop, and they’ll be times when you get ignored simply because the RP is sick of dealing with your constant shit. You’ll start to get fazed out, seeing them less and less until eventually you’ll not see them at all. It’ll be all down to you and the actions that you are doing now.
If you are the errant parent, and you are guilty of doing anything like this or worse, I have some advice for you;
- What you feel for your ex is not relevant, it’s what’s important for your children that matters.
- What your ex does after your relationship is over is absolutely nothing to do with you, unless it’s dangerous/harmful for the children.
- Arrange contact around both of your timetables. Don’t dictate and demand, it’s only upsetting to the children.
- Don’t start spreading viscous gossip about your ex, or doing things that are completely out of order. It makes you look like a jealous prick, and will eventually lose you friends when they have had enough of listening to or dealing with it.
- Don’t ignore the other parent’s messages. It could be something important.
Break-up’s are never easy or nice. But they can go way better than mine has since the start. Just remember that if there are children involved that BOTH of you need to do what is best for them.
This blog post was written in November 2018. I have edited it slightly now in October 2019.
My ex and I are still legally married. We are now getting on better and he sees our children weekly.